I spend most of my time inside my flat. The signal only works in one corner and I didn’t even realise the course was online when I signed up. I don’t really leave the house and I don’t have anyone as a next of kin. When that question came up, I just wanted to skip it, because honestly it feels like no one would do anything for me anyway. I thought my life never really started. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and depression for years, no real support, and my past is full of things I still don’t know how to deal with. I grew up with abuse, bad relationships and feeling like everything was my fault. Sometimes I worry that I’m a narcissist. Sometimes I blame others. I don’t make friends. I don’t do anything. I’ve had rubbish jobs, minimum wage, and even been homeless. I don’t look after myself. I write music, and that’s one of the only things that feels like mine.
When the course began, I actually felt excited about where it could go, even though a lot of what we talked about seemed obvious. I felt angry and sad a lot, annoyed too. I’ve had a strange childhood and a strange sense of self. When we did the Blob exercise, I didn’t feel like any of them. I always feel like I’m outside looking in. My hope was small, maybe getting closer to a creative job or something that has value, not just money. I wanted tools to be better with people. Desperation has driven a lot of my choices. I don’t want to be alone.
I learned things about my strengths. I’ve got a lot in groups B and C apparently. I like writing music and drawing. Motivation has always been my biggest problem. I would probably be happy in lots of different jobs, but I’m never money motivated, I care more about doing something that matters. I’ve never had a comfort zone. I’ve always felt like a second class citizen. Everything scares me. I’ve never been mindful. Therapy hasn’t helped me before and sometimes it left me feeling worse. I keep thinking I might need EMDR.
I deal with stress in my body. Headaches, stomach aches, adrenaline hitting me out of nowhere. My behaviour is to isolate, avoid everything, pace around. My feelings get mixed: sadness, anger, guilt, shame, loneliness. My thoughts go a mile a minute and most of them are negative. I don’t trust my own thoughts. I made vows to myself a long time ago about honesty and people and life having meaning. I didn’t grow up with love and I think that stayed with me. I keep thinking no one will ever love me. But then I also think some people just couldn’t love me, and that isn’t everything.
I care about music, mixing, dancing, creativity. I like reading and language and learning. I care about other living things. I’ve thought about getting involved in support work again because when I’ve helped others in the past, no job felt too hard. I remember being appreciated in a previous role. Part of me still believes I could be someone who is loved, even though another part of me whispers that I’m worthless.
Some days I wake up angry and full of energy, like I don’t fit with anyone around me. Words feel empty sometimes. I don’t think I have core beliefs. I don’t feel like I’ve been a real person. I overlook my strengths and go straight to my weaknesses. But I’m starting to see small things I want: to be happy, busy, creative, surrounded by people who make me smile.
After the course, I told them I felt kind of the same. Some days are easier, some aren’t. I have a diagnosis of autism now, which explains why I’ve always felt like I don’t fit in. I’m starting therapy soon and joining autism groups. I was fine on the programme and I might re‑join Pathways because I probably need support from people who understand.