I came into this feeling like it was time to push myself. I have fibromyalgia and life feels heavy sometimes, but something in me knew this course was right. I was excited, even if I was nervous. I did not know what to expect and I have done groups before, so I did not want to get my hopes up, but I turned up. Even when I felt unwell or had too much on my mind, I showed up because something in me wanted to change.
At the start I felt frustrated with Zoom and I hate looking at myself on camera. From the get go though, everyone was lovely. I felt better off in the chat and the support of the group made such a difference. I enjoyed the session way more than I thought I would. I even got the days wrong at first, but once I sorted it out I made sure I was there. When we did the Blob Tree, I chose the one just holding on and that felt honest. My hopes were to gain hope, support and inspiration. I needed confidence and self esteem. My fear was that the course would not help me or that I would not be able to handle feeling uncomfortable. Deep down I did not want to be let down again.
As the weeks went on, I found the sessions mentally exhausting but in a good way. I was really enjoying it, even though the self reflection was difficult. Anything about myself is hard because my self esteem has been low for a long time. I know what I am like and what I do, and I am much better at dealing with other people’s feelings than looking at my own. The activities were sometimes intense and there is a lot to take in, so I preferred going back to my notes in my own time. That helped. I realised that working in my own way was fine and I did not need to do everything perfectly.
The group meant more to me than I expected. Everyone was open and supportive, and even though we did not know each other we had this connection. It helped me come out of my shell. It reminded me that I have more skills and passions than I ever imagined. I started thinking about the things I wanted to change, especially my relationship with alcohol. It has been a lifelong struggle and part of me still calls myself an alcoholic. I know all the excuses because I have used them for years. But the course helped me see that I can attack negative thoughts with facts and evidence. I have done hard things before and I can do them again.
Doing the cost analysis exercise made me really look at my drinking. The pros like sleeping better and having more energy. The costs like losing my emotional crutch, the thing that has been my friend for twenty years. It hit me when I remembered someone telling me decades ago that I was no fun unless I had a drink. Realising how much that comment shaped me made me emotional, but it felt like the first step in understanding myself better. I even started writing a letter to my friend Al, the name I give my drinking, so I can explain why I need to let it go.
I had days where life got too much, especially looking after my mum when she went into hospital, but I kept trying. I loved the five week course. I struggled more with Pathways, especially with new people and a bigger group, but I still tried. I even made a WhatsApp group with others from the programme. There are twelve of us and we help each other through hard times. I am meeting some of them for Sunday lunch and it feels good to not be alone.
This course has reset something in me. I feel lighter. I feel more hopeful. I feel like I am starting to believe in myself again.