Before I joined the course, I hardly ever left the house. I stayed inside, mostly in my bedroom, and kept to myself. I felt like everyone was judging me and that made being around people feel overwhelming. Speaking to new people was really hard. Some days my anxiety was so bad I struggled to get out of bed. I’d dropped out of college because of my mental health and I was waiting for assessments around autism, with past support for bipolar. Being around people felt unsafe, so having my camera off felt like the only way I could take part.
When I first joined the sessions, I honestly didn’t think it would help. There were lots of new people and that scared me. I didn’t plan on talking at all. But over time, I started to feel more comfortable. It felt like a place where I wasn’t going to be judged. I preferred typing at first, but by the end I even unmuted a few times. That felt like a big step.
During the course, I started to understand how much my belief that people are judging me has controlled my life. It’s stopped me going into shops on my own, answering calls, or even speaking to cashiers. We broke those moments down and I could see how quickly my thoughts jump to, I can’t do this, I’m not good enough, and then I panic and avoid everything.
Looking back, I can see where that belief came from. At primary school I was laughed at by the whole school and I made a vow to myself to avoid people so that wouldn’t happen again. That stuck with me for years. My original belief was that I’m never going to be good enough. The evidence I used was that I didn’t finish college and I didn’t have a proper job. But when we challenged that, I could see things I’d ignored, like volunteering, showing up to the course, and having friends who support me. My new belief became, I’m still trying and making an effort to change.
One of the biggest changes for me was around work. I wanted to get somewhere. I didn’t want to keep living inside my bedroom doing nothing. I got a volunteering role at a nursery, working one day a week. Walking in was anxiety inducing, but once the kids arrived, I relaxed. Animals and children don’t judge me, and that helped me feel safe enough to be there. That experience gave me confidence that I can cope, even when I feel nervous at first.
The course helped me see that it’s okay that I haven’t had a proper job yet. That doesn’t mean I’ve failed. I started taking steps forward. I had an interview at a nursery and another one asked for my CV. I also realised I want to get back in touch with some old friends, even though that still feels scary.
Since finishing the course, I’m volunteering every Monday at a pre school. I’ve noticed I’m able to talk to people I don’t know better and make friends more easily. I’m not suddenly confident all the time, but I feel like I have a future now. I know what I want to work towards and I’m taking steps, even if they’re small.
The course helped me feel less judged and less alone. It gave me the confidence to try. If someone was thinking about joining, I’d say they should, 100 percent. It’s helped me, and it could help them too.