Before I joined the course, life felt heavy and confusing. I’ve been in care since I was eight, and there are a lot of basic things I was never really taught or that got forgotten along the way. I have alcohol foetal syndrome, so I struggle to process more than one thing at a time and I get distracted easily. That can make everyday life feel overwhelming. I can cook and do things for myself, but I rely on my partner to remind me about routines, like having a shower or keeping on top of things.
I’ve struggled with depression for a long time. A few years ago I was in a real mess, but I’m trying to move forward. Getting out of bed can still be hard. I often feel like I don’t do enough, like I should be doing more, prioritising better, being better. That stress builds up and sometimes I end up lashing out at the people I care about most.
When I started the course, I found the group work helpful. I’ve spent most of my life in care and I learned early on to just pick myself up and carry on, but I never really learned how to understand how I feel. When we did exercises that asked me to think about feelings, I honestly didn’t have a clue. It’s hard for me to even name them sometimes.
One thing that really hit me was realising how much I blamed myself for being in care. Through the course, I started to see that it wasn’t my fault. That was a big shift. I’ve always wanted to be better than my parents and not repeat the same patterns, but I carried a lot of guilt without realising it.
During the course, I could see that my core belief is that I’m not good enough. That belief shows up everywhere. In how hard I am on myself. In how guilty I feel when I try to set boundaries. In how stressed I get when I think I should be doing more. Talking that through helped me understand why I react the way I do.
I also realised how much I struggle with boundaries, especially with family. My mum drinks a lot and I haven’t lived with her since I was a child, but I still feel guilty keeping my distance. Learning that I’m allowed to protect myself and my own wellbeing has been important, even though it’s uncomfortable.
There’s been a lot going on in my personal life too. I’m still coming to terms with the loss of a baby not long ago, and now my partner is pregnant again. It’s early days and there’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in that. Fear, hope, stress, all at once. The course gave me space to offload and reflect, even if my thoughts came out messy sometimes.
As the weeks went on, I started enjoying the course more and more. I learned a lot about myself. Even when I needed to get up and move around to focus, I still felt engaged. It helped me see patterns in my thinking and understand why I get angry or overwhelmed.
Since finishing the course, I feel more confident and more aware of what I need to work on. I’ve started a Level 2 mechanics course at college, which feels like a real step forward. I’m learning something practical and building towards a future. I also know now that I need to set more boundaries, for my own sake and for the people I love.
I’m not fixed and I still have days where things feel hard, but I understand myself better. I don’t blame myself in the same way I used to. I’m moving forward, and that matters.