I came into this course feeling sceptical and honestly unsure if it would help. I had a year of CBT before and it always felt like scratching an itch, nothing more. I could not keep using the tools. They made sense in the moment but then my emotions would take over. I have days when I get overwhelmed, when I go into what I can only describe as tantrums, and I cannot implement anything. I feel things too deeply. I get very emotional. I know I might be neurodivergent but I have never had a diagnosis. I just know that I am not like most people. My mind works in ways that feel out of my control. Even before the course started my biggest worry was the camera. A few years ago something appeared on my nose, it looked like a carpet burn, like someone had dragged me along the floor. I had a skin graft and it is better now but I still think everyone will stare at it. I can only do short video calls before I panic.
When the course began some days were fine and some days were a complete nightmare. One day I barely listened at all. I only slept four hours the night before. My mind overthinks anything that pops in, making negative connections that spiral. Even a simple question about pizza and ice cream got twisted into something bad because my stomach was playing up. That is how my brain works. I zone out. I stare at the screen and take nothing in even though I want to. I felt triggered by things that reminded me of childhood. When I was a kid they had a mini marathon in my village, the first year I came last out of 169. Seeing something in the session brought back that feeling of shame. I felt like one of the raggy dolls from the 80s, something faulty. I have days where if someone told me I had won the lottery I would still find fault with it. My mind does that. I know it is unreasonable but it feels real when it happens.
But I also kept coming back. I stuck with it because something inside me kept whispering that I need help. The voices in my head telling me to do the right thing got louder in a good way. The course made me realise that I cannot keep doing this alone. I need proper support. I started to see that I do operate well when things are structured and predictable. Outside of that I fall apart. At least now I have words for it. I began to understand why I react the way I do, why I shout when I am overwhelmed, not at people but as an overflow of what I feel. I began to see that my nose injury, as much as I do not want it to define me, ties into so much of my fear and my thinking. I keep saying that once I get a diagnosis or once I get my nose sorted medically I will be able to move forward. But I also know I cannot keep waiting for the perfect moment.
Some days on the course were actually really good. I was chatty and upbeat. Sometimes too chatty. I wrote loads in my workbook, more than I realised, but I cannot write and chat at the same time so I kept falling behind. But the material made sense. I just needed to focus on one thing at a time because once I move on I cannot go back. That is how I am wired. I started to see the patterns. I started to see where things go wrong.
After the course I realised something important. I am better able to understand that I am not like most people emotionally. I need help to move forward because trying to do it alone has not worked. The course actually gave me the push to finally go to the doctor and start asking for the help I need. It made me see that any help is better than staying stuck. I feel like I have finally pulled my finger out and started doing something about it. And that is a big step for me.