I came into this course believing I had terrible self esteem issues. I thought I was starting from scratch, like everything had fallen apart and I was the mess in my social circles. I have spent the last eighteen months in therapy, figuring out recovery, addiction work, social care, all of it, and I thought I was miles behind everyone else. I had this negative relationship with myself and I just wanted to change it. I did not realise I had already been making progress. I was dismissive of myself. I downplayed everything good I had done.
On the first morning I was anxious. I got in my own head. I worried everyone else was doing really well and I would reinforce the mentality I thought I was stuck in. But being in a group with people who felt similar made me feel less alone. I could identify with their stories. For the first time I felt like maybe I was not the screw up. Maybe I had just taken a big hit and I needed to cut myself some slack. I realised recovery is a long process and I cannot rush it. I am learning to take my time. My wellbeing is the priority.
As the course went on I started noticing things that surprised me. When things were discussed in sessions I realised I had already started changing them. That was new for me, seeing that I had quietly grown without noticing. The course helped me interrupt my negative self talk. It helped me see that I have already survived so much and I get a second chance at life. I kept thinking, I choose me.
There were difficult moments too. Lunch with my family did not go well one day and I needed a break. But I also saw my strengths more clearly. My top strengths were C and E. It reminded me of the varied jobs I have had, from social work to welfare roles. I always thought I should be doing things because others told me to, but the truth is I am learning my own limits and boundaries. I am running at my own speed now. There is no finish line I need to chase. I know my limits better than I used to. I know when I need to pace myself.
I thought a lot about my core beliefs. Some of them conflict, some of them go back years. I carried tracks like why can’t you be normal or the only person you can rely on is you. I grieved for the six years I lost in a really bad period. I hit rock bottom in prison. It gave me space to think. I had so much anger from the past. But I also realised how much I have changed already. The choice to stay clean and sober is the biggest one. The benefit is that I feel like myself again. I am living again, not treading water.
I loved exploring passions and writing reflections. Travel, people, stories, learning, theatre, art, animals. I love hearing about people’s lives. It made sense why I want to work in recovery support. I have lived experience. I want to help people. I want to stay well and content. I want better relationships with family and friends. I want to improve my fitness. I want to stabilise my finances and rebuild my savings. I want to keep learning because I genuinely love it.
My SMART goal is to be in paid work by the end of July, working in recovery support once my probation work is finished. I am better at taking my time now. I feel patient with myself. It is a nice feeling. I am holding on to pacing, reminding myself that progress does not always look dramatic. Sometimes it is slow and steady, but that does not make it any less real.
After the course I texted to say I am in training for my Level 2 Diploma in Care because I want to be a support worker or a social worker. I am on my way, and now I actually realise it.