I came into the programme not really knowing what I wanted. I did not have goals. I had ideas, like maybe web design one day, something I could do by myself because I like the freedom of being self‑employed. But nothing ever moved forward. I never pursued anything because my motivation and confidence had been really low for a long time. My mental health had been getting worse, mostly depression, and it started before I was even a teenager. The “what ifs” around work were always there. What if going back to work makes everything bad again? What if I can’t cope? I kept questioning myself until I felt stuck.
At the start of the course, I felt pretty closed off. On the Blob Tree I saw myself just standing back, observing. I tend to stay in my head a lot. My hope was simple though: I wanted to function better in life, feel part of society again, have more control and a better social life. My fear was that something would happen and I’d fall backwards again. I wanted to feel more confident, have more self‑esteem, not be so scared of everything.
One of the things I discovered was that I actually have strengths. My top strengths were in the creative areas. I like creating things and I like structure too. I read a lot. I use my imagination in writing. My comfort zone is reading. My learning zone is things like functional maths or going out a bit more. Anything outside of that, talking to strangers or meeting new people, feels impossible. I know I need a sense of purpose but I kept feeling too tired and unmotivated to do anything. I wasn’t enjoying much in life. I felt sad, scared, annoyed, angry and weak all at once. I kept asking myself, will I ever get back to normal?
Writing and reading are my passions. Playing games too. Creative writing is something I love but I question whether I deserve things or whether I will amount to much. I fear putting in effort in case it fails or in case something goes wrong. I struggle with too much stimulation. I put myself down and doubt everything, even though the course helped me start pushing back on that a bit.
The course got me thinking differently. It also got me thinking about practical things. I want to study, learn new skills, take opportunities when they come. I had a maths test coming up and part of me was proud I was even trying that. I want to reconnect with friends and family because I lost that through depression. I want to go to the gym, meet people, feel healthier and get a sense of achievement, but I also worry about the obstacles. My foot could act up. I could embarrass myself. I get really sweaty. Money is tight. There is always something that feels like a barrier.
I’m slowly realising I need actual plans, not just thoughts. I started setting SMART goals. Paying for one month of gym membership, planning walks, thinking about how to respond when I have a depressive episode rather than just waiting for it to swallow me. It isn’t easy. I struggled with the strengths and passions exercises because talking about myself feels strange. But the course has helped me understand my depression and my mental health better. I’m learning ways to manage it instead of letting it take over.
After the programme, I’m still unemployed, but I am actively looking for work. More importantly, I’m starting to understand how to better my mental health and manage it. I’m beginning to see that I can take small steps, and that small steps are still movement.