I have always been someone who keeps myself in the background. I’m shy, I don’t really like asking for help, and I’ve struggled with confidence, depression and anxiety for a long time. About twelve years ago I was put on a course, and when I asked for help I was penalised, and ever since then I’ve found it hard to speak up. I ended up doing a voluntary role at Oxfam because I was told I had to, even though I’d never had a job before. I still go, even when I don’t want to, because I feel like I have to. My dream years ago was to be a radio presenter, but now I just want to be a streamer. I already stream video games and I’m slowly getting more followers. I’d love to work from home one day, because being around unfamiliar people is stressful for me. I needed help with my confidence and my mindset, and I thought the course might help me move forward.
It was my first time using Zoom, so I found it really daunting. I felt safer using the chat instead of talking. On the Blob Tree I was looking up but not climbing, feeling stuck. Depression makes me want to do things but also not want to do anything. Even volunteering is something I push myself to do. My fears were small but real, like waking up on time, or falling behind. My hope was just to see what happened, maybe find a home‑based job one day.
The course surprised me. Once I got used to the layout, it felt ok. I was tired a lot, and sometimes things moved too fast for me, but I kept going. My headaches, ear trouble and sleep deprivation made things harder, but I still tried. I got a lot from learning the ABC model, because it helped me think things through before reacting. I realised I’m actually quite mindful. I’m thoughtful before I respond. I just didn’t see that in myself before.
When we talked about core beliefs, everything hit me. My unhealthy belief was “I’m not worthy.” I can see where that comes from. I struggle financially, I can’t support myself the way I want to, and I think that makes me unworthy. But when I looked at the evidence, like my mum depending on me, or the fact that my family loves me, it helped me see things differently. My new belief became: “I am inherently worthy of love and care, simply because I exist, I do not have to earn it. I am already it.” That felt huge for me.
Gaming is my passion. I love streaming. I’d like to grow my channel and one day earn from it. I set myself the goal to stream three days a week for a couple of hours each time, and try different time zones to reach more people. I also started trying to talk to customers at Oxfam, even if just a little, to get used to talking to strangers again. Small wins started meaning something to me, like getting new followers or managing a conversation.
I realised I pick things up more than I think. I’m creative, I’m observant, and I’m comfortable in my own company. The course helped me see that I’m not alone. Everyone has their own struggles, and it’s ok to take things slowly. It also reminded me that I don’t need to earn my worth.
After the course, I started working in the stockroom at CEX, testing equipment. It’s been challenging socially but it’s helping. One day I’d love to move into sales, but I know I need to build up to that. My manager understands my anxiety and lets me progress at my own pace. I’m proud that I’m holding down a job. I honestly didn’t think I could.