When I signed up for the programme, I was hopeful but also unsure of myself. I knew I wanted to get back into employment and start moving forward again, but anxiety and depression were getting in the way. My confidence was low and I talked myself out of things before I even began. I wanted to find something I could feel passionate about, maybe something creative like media, but I didn’t know where to start. I was waiting for talking therapy to begin and I hoped this course might help me get used to being around people again. I kept telling myself that once I got comfortable, I would be fine.
When the course started, it was reassuring to see that everyone was lovely and that others were dealing with similar things. That helped me relax.
The blob tree exercise made me realise I wanted support, connection and to be someone who could also support others. My hope was to learn skills I could use in a work environment, because the idea of work felt overwhelming. My biggest fear was starting from scratch again.
As the weeks went on, I found myself enjoying learning more than I expected. I started to understand the barriers that kept tripping me up, things like fear of rejection, perfectionism, self doubt and my general mental health. When I felt good about something, I was motivated, but when I didn’t, I would shut down easily. I even stopped bothering with gaming for a while, which used to be a big escape for me. I did love watching the fox in my garden through the camera, though. That always cheered me up.
Talking about my dream life was interesting. I imagined myself living in a big house with lots of space, earning money doing something fun. I realised I enjoy researching things, working with numbers, problem solving and anything that mixes creativity with tech. Maybe something in PC work or IT, or even film editing. I like the idea of working alone sometimes and then coming together with a team. I told myself I would try to be more active in job hunting and actually reach out to people.
There were moments where I got frustrated, like when I was trying to fix my nan’s printer and ended up muttering at it under my breath. But I always showed up to sessions, and my time keeping was good. I reminded myself that I have a degree and that I am capable of researching, organising and working in a team. I have achieved things, even if I sometimes convince myself that other people achieved them for me. Getting a 2:1 at university, being the first in my family to do that, that was me. I even started going on the mic during sessions, which I never would have done before.
I began imagining possibilities again. Maybe radio or TV production, maybe something creative that ties in with my media studies degree. I would love to travel to South Korea one day, to experience a different culture. I want better sleep, better fitness, good friendships, paid work and a more successful life. I know I need to structure my sleep pattern, update my CV and apply for jobs in the fields I care about.
After the programme, I am actively looking for work now and I can genuinely say I feel more confident and more able to manage my mental health. I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time.