Before
I remember when I first spoke to someone from Safe New Futures I cried a lot. I tear-up when I reflect on myself and my problems.
I was willing to give the programme a go, but I honestly did not know what I wanted to do, or could do. I felt socially anxious around people, stressed, and like there were massive gaps in me that everyone else could see.
I worried about my energy levels all the time because I am a carer for my mum, and that costs me a lot emotionally and physically. I had tried CBT before and it had not really helped. I felt broken, tired, beyond help, and convinced that I would just keep burning out.
During the course
When I joined the course, I felt awkward and unsure of myself. Some of the early tools did not describe me. The blobs did not feel like me. The compass was hard to rank. I have a very specific way of understanding my abilities, and broad competency categories felt too general. At that time I had a very negative view of my abilities. If one area of my life went wrong, it felt like everything went to hell. I looked after my parents and did not have many friends. I had a few, but I often felt disappointed and rejected, especially when friendships faded after COVID. My sense of self-worth was low. My core belief was that I was not good enough.
During the programme, I received an autism diagnosis. It brought up a lot of mixed emotions. On the day, my head was not in the game. I had the assessment, and I was not really present in the sessions. Part of me did not think it would help with my family, but I hoped it might help friends understand my issues and maybe open up some support. The timing turned out to be important. It became a big part of understanding myself. I had spent years being told not to be so sensitive. I had masked my difficulties and presented as capable, while inside I struggled.
Waiting for the assessment had pushed me to dive into autistic people’s stories. That helped me feel less like an imposter. I began to see that a lot of my difficulties were contextual, linked to unclear expectations, sensory overload and emotional overwhelm, not personal failure.
There is a big divide between growing up knowing you are autistic and only learning it as an adult. I realised I had spent my life meeting other people’s needs and trying to fit into a box, instead of finding out who I am.
The strengths work on the course helped me see that I am detail focused, consistent, and work well with clear structure and instructions. Meaning and values are central for me. I care about fairness and not abusing power. I love creativity, language, learning, beauty and nature. I also recognised that I need manageable steps, better self-management, and to know my limits so I do not push myself to burnout.
One of the most important pieces of support from the facilitators was around writing about my work needs. I had a very long, detailed form to complete for a work capability assessment, and the thought of it overwhelmed me. I felt like a fraud and was terrified I would not get my points across. The facilitator listened and then helped me write a clear explanation of my difficulties, including my autism, in my own words. I cried again, but in a different way. I felt seen and taken seriously. It was a big achievement for me to ask for that help.
After
Later on, when I was exploring a job stocking ambulances, I tried to use what I had learned. On paper it sounded promising. It was meaningful, quite routine, not around a lot of people. But there were worries too. The training was going to be in a chaotic environment, full time for two weeks. I was concerned about working outside in all weathers, the set hours, the impact on my caring responsibilities and my benefits. I had an informal chat and even a short trial, and the people were kind, but in the end it did not work out. It felt like another knock at first. Using the tools from the course, I could see more clearly why it was not a good fit for me, rather than just seeing it as another personal failure.
The writing we did for the work capability assessment did not go to waste. When a part time job came up in a pharmacy, the facilitator and I used that same piece of work to help me describe my needs to the employer and suggest reasonable adjustments. That support made a real difference. I do not think I could have expressed those things clearly by myself, especially in an anxious state. I believe it helped me get the job, and I felt genuinely grateful. I still have a part time paid role in the pharmacy. I have been able to reduce my shifts a little because of my mum’s health and my own, but I am coping. My manager is very supportive, and I feel the work is a good fit for me.
Life is still a bit overwhelming at times. I am juggling caring for my parents, health issues, financial pressures, and my own emotions. I am still easily brought to tears. What has helped is I am no longer facing it all alone.
I am connected with a social prescriber, a disability advisor, autism support groups, and a walking for health group
I am also exploring counselling that I can do at my own pace, and I am working on my allotment, which is a place where I can breathe. I still worry a lot, and I still feel lost sometimes, but I do not feel beyond help anymore. My journey now is about understanding myself properly and building a life that fits who I am, taking manageable steps, and learning to treat myself with the same kindness and curiosity I have always had for other people.