Before the course, I was dealing with depression and anxiety every day. My mind was constantly full of negative thoughts, telling me I was not good enough. I found it really hard to talk to people, even though I wanted to get better at it. I was on antidepressants and doing talking therapy, which helped a bit, but I still felt stuck. I wanted to move forward with my life and work, I just did not know how to do that yet. Confidence was a big thing I needed help with.
When I joined the course, I actually enjoyed it more than I expected. It had a friendly vibe, and I got along with everyone. I like quieter groups, so that helped. At first, my motivation felt really low. On the blob tree, I picked the one lying down, because that is how I felt inside. At the same time, I wanted to explore the world and meet new people.
A lot of my anxiety comes from my mind. It is always telling me I am not good enough. I worry about showing my personality and people not liking me, or not getting my sense of humour. Where I live, I feel like everyone hates me and my family, so I do not always feel safe, even though the police are not involved. I have regular suicidal thoughts, just thoughts, and that is something I am honest about.
As the course went on, things started to shift. I enjoyed interacting with people more, and my mental health felt better than before, about a six out of ten. I was having fewer bad thoughts. I started to look at how my thoughts, feelings and actions link together. For example, if I think someone will not like me, I become nervous and awkward, and that affects how I act. Seeing that pattern helped.
One of the biggest changes for me was developing a new belief, that I can make friends. I do not fully believe it all the time, maybe six out of ten, but it is there. When my mind attacks me with thoughts like I am not good enough, I try to defend myself by reminding myself that I am strong and that I have already made friends. I even made a new friend online who tells me I am awesome, and that really helped.
I have a good relationship with my mum and my cousin, and one close friend I can tell everything to. I worry about my mum’s health, but I tend to bury my feelings and stay strong, because of things I went through with my dad in the past. The course helped me see that it is okay to change and to try, even if it feels scary.
By the end of the course, I felt proud of myself. I reconnected with an ex and became friends again, which made me feel good about my ability to connect with people. My goals now are to make more friends, talk to more people, and get a job in childcare. I want to go to a college open day, start going out more, and maybe join an LGBTQ group, even though I worry about fitting in. I keep reminding myself, all you can do is try.
Since finishing the course, I feel more hopeful about the future. I am actively looking at training routes into childcare, exploring groups where I might meet new people, and taking small steps to build my confidence. I feel more able to challenge my negative thoughts and believe that change is possible.