I’ve always found it hard to speak up in groups. Anxiety has been a big part of my life, and I don’t really talk to many people outside my family or the friends I know online. When I went to college, I froze every time I had to speak to anyone, and after a while I stopped trying. I came out of that experience believing I couldn’t form relationships, and I started telling myself I was a loser. I made this vow to avoid people altogether, but deep down I knew it wasn’t working for me anymore.
Before joining the course, I didn’t have a routine. Most days I stayed inside feeling flat, lost and alone. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Even gaming, which used to take up all my time, didn’t interest me much. I kept asking myself the same questions: What do I do? How do I move forward? Where am I going? I had some therapy when I was about sixteen, but it didn’t work for me, and I’ve never spoken to a doctor about my anxiety. I just carried it around, letting it make my world smaller and smaller.
When I was referred to this programme, I said I’d commit to it because I knew something needed to change. I sometimes struggle to communicate even in appointments, but I told myself I’d try. On the course, I felt quite relaxed at first, which surprised me, and I wanted to contribute more next time. The conversations helped me reflect on how much I stay inside, how uncomfortable I feel in public, and how quickly I assume people are looking at me or judging me. I used to think I didn’t fit in anywhere. I still struggle with that thought, but I’m learning to challenge it.
The course has helped me break down some of the beliefs that kept me stuck. One of my strongest thoughts was, I’ll never get a job. But when I looked at the evidence, I realised I have tried. I’ve had interviews. I’m applying. A healthier belief is, If I keep trying, I’ll get there eventually. I also tell myself I can’t make friends, but the truth is, I haven’t really tried yet. I’ve avoided people for so long that I convinced myself it was impossible.
We talked a lot about my situation. I stay inside, I feel alone, I feel like giving up. I don’t talk to anyone, and I avoid going out. But I also have strengths. I’m good at thinking, and I like routines. I used to lift weights in my room, and I could start something like that again. I was even challenged to speak at least once in the group. When I finally unmuted, I felt surprisingly calm afterwards, and that small moment gave me a boost.
For the first time in a long time, I feel a bit of hope for change. I’ve started applying for jobs every day for two hours, and I have an interview for a warehouse job. My goals feel clearer now. I want to get a job before Christmas, meet new friends, learn to drive and find a hobby. If I had a magic wand, I’d want to not be scared of people, to go outside and feel like everyone else. I’m not there yet, but I feel more confident and motivated than I did before. I can see a way forward.
EET Update:
ED is now in part-time work in a warehouse 3 days a week, but would like to up it to 4. His next goal is to save money and buy a buy.