Before starting the course, I’d just finished university but wasn’t able to work because of my health. I live with POTS and EDS, so standing and being active can make my heart rate spike. I don’t go outside much and I get anxious in groups. Phone calls are especially hard unless I know exactly when they’ll happen.
Growing up wasn’t easy. My mum walked out when I was young and I think I’ve carried that with me. I’ve always worried about saying the wrong thing, about being too slow, about being a burden. I wanted to work, ideally from home, but I couldn’t see how that would really be possible.
I’m still anxious, but I can feel myself getting more confident. Even on days when I’m having a flare up, I’ve found the course fun. It gives me something to do and something to focus on.
One thing that helped was being allowed to say what I need. I process things more slowly and I worry about falling behind, but I agreed to let people know if I need things repeated. That alone felt like a big step. Knowing exactly when my one to one calls would happen also made it easier to cope with my anxiety around phone calls.
A big part of the course for me has been looking at my core beliefs. One of the strongest ones I’ve had is that I’m a burden or too slow. I don’t like expressing emotions, so I cover them up and act happy even when I’m not. That’s exhausting. I don’t like being asked questions or doing presentations because I assume people are judging me.
We worked on challenging one belief in particular, I can’t make friends. I told myself it was true because I had no friends at uni and I was bullied at school. But when I really looked at it, I remembered that I made friends at college and I’m still in touch with some of them. I even offered to help a girl I met recently. A healthier belief for me now is that when it’s people who share my interests, I can make friends.
The course has also helped me reconnect with my strengths. I’m creative and very feeling based. I love films and I’m interested in Korean sign language because it would let me connect with my favourite group. I’ve enjoyed talking about photography and animal care, things I already care deeply about. I’m learning that there are more things I can manage than I thought.
Since finishing the course, I’ve started volunteering with a charity called Key to Joy, supporting adults with learning disabilities. I’m enjoying it and I get on well with the people there. I’d still like to work with animals long term and I’m looking for online work, possibly admin based, that fits around my health. I’ve had some help with my CV and I’m thinking about next steps, including further study, but I also want to earn and save some money.
Socially, I see friends more in person now, not just online. I still get nervous around new people, but I try to be more open. I don’t push myself to pretend I’m positive all the time anymore. I’m more able to just be myself.
The biggest change for me is believing that change is possible. I’m still anxious, but I know now that I’m capable of more than I thought.