Before I started, everything felt like it was on hold. I was waiting for my ADHD and Autism assessment and struggling at work. I tried to ask for support and adjustments but it didn’t really go anywhere, and some of the staff were not very kind about it. In the end I chose to leave because I couldn’t keep coping like that.
My mental health has always been up and down. I hadn’t harmed myself for a few months but I still had suicidal thoughts quite regularly. I’ve had therapy before and done CBT for anxiety a few times, but I’ve always found it hard to actually put the techniques into practice. I was scared of change but also really didn’t want to end up isolated. My boyfriend and a friend were supportive, but my parents didn’t really get it, especially my mum. That made things feel quite lonely.
During the course, a lot started to make sense. My Autism diagnosis came through, which was a relief but also a lot to process. Small adjustments helped straight away, like having captions on videos so I could properly follow what was going on. That made it much easier to engage and feel included.
Early on we looked at thoughts and beliefs. One example I shared was about driving to Southampton for the first time. I was terrified. My head was full of thoughts like “I can’t do this”, “I’m stupid for trying”, “am I in the right lane”, “it’s impossible”. When we broke it down, I realised how strong my core belief was, that I’m not good enough, basically worthless. I’ve felt that way since school, that if I wasn’t perfect then I wasn’t good enough at all. Most of the time I don’t have confidence in myself, probably 90 percent of the time.
Something shifted as the weeks went on. Since starting the course, I haven’t had an anxiety attack. That really surprised me. I remember coming out of a session thinking about how proud of myself I felt, which is not something I usually do. It felt uncomfortable at first, almost embarrassing, like when someone gives you a compliment and you don’t know how to take it. I’m so used to focusing on the negatives that defending a healthier belief felt strange.
We worked on challenging that inner attack. When the thought came up, “you don’t even have a job yet”, I learned to respond. Yes, but I’ve started looking at volunteering opportunities. Yes, it doesn’t mean money or moving out yet, but it’s still better than before because I’m actually doing something.
I also realised I could work with animals. I’ve always loved them but never saw it as a real option. Now I’m applying for a volunteering role with an animal charity and getting support with the form. Even my driving has improved, which really shows me that I am capable of more than I thought.
Now I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time. I’m exercising more, setting small goals and building them up. I still find family support difficult, but I’m starting to trust my own decisions more. I’m beginning to believe that I can do successful things, that I am capable, even if it’s step by step.